We have all met this character: an otherwise kind, thoughtful, energetic advocate of the working class who seems to believe they are the reincarnation of V.I. Lenin. In this article I will examine the underlying pathology and symptomatology affecting these poor individuals and discuss possible courses of treatment to help them reintegrate back into party and trade union activity (under careful supervision, of course). This can be taken as my submission to both the upcoming Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders – sixth edition (DSM-VI) and the International Classification of Diseases – twelfth edition (ICD-12). I also await my nomination from the Nobel committee for this astonishing leap forward in the field of medicine or physiology.
Diagnostic criteria
A person shall be diagnosed with Lenin syndrome disorder (LSD) if they meet at least one of the criteria from section A and at least three from section B. They must be experiencing symptoms for a period of no less than six months; otherwise they may fall into a sub-clinical manifestation of Trotskya nervosa or the petit bourgeois variant of Bernstein‑Kautsky delusion.
Section A
- A fixed false belief that they have “all the answers to the liberation of the working class”.
- A fixed false belief that they are destined to lead the revolution.
Section B
- The tendency to speak at length during organising meetings.
- Getting repeatedly expelled from organisations, unions, and political parties (especially if they started said group).
- Their theoretical writing impenetrable to even the most diligent of Marxist scholars.
- The belief that everyone they perceive as left of them is an ultra.
- The belief that everyone they perceive as right of them is a fascist.
- A lack of insight (or any self‑awareness, really).
- Their answer to complex political questions is some combination of “well, if the working class just united (behind me)” and “well, it’s dialectical and there are material conditions to consider”.
- Not having any coherent analysis and/or jumping from one cause to another depending on what is fashionable.
- A limited or poor understanding of core Marxist texts.
Treatment guidelines
Early intervention is essential so that this illness does not spread through your organisation. For their safety and everyone else’s, they must be kept away from all podcasting equipment.
First‑line treatment for LSD is a bog‑standard bollocking. This can take many forms but usually involves a more experienced comrade sitting the patient down and encouraging a bit of “cop‑on” – or, in more extreme cases, the use of “stop being a gobshite”.
Failing this, other options include but are not limited to:
- Re‑education (Gulag optional).
- Touching grass.
- Graduating university and/or entering the workforce for the first time.
Many comrades diagnosed with LSD have a treatment‑resistant variant (trLSD). It is important to note that trLSD is defined as an individual with LSD who has failed at least two successive treatments. Treatment for these individuals can involve any of the following:
- Regular beatings.
- Ice‑pick lobotomy (more effective in Trotskya Nervosa).
- Inordinate amounts of ketamine.
All told, this horrific affliction must be identified and treated before it can progress to a terminal stage where patients start wearing flat caps, shaving their heads and wearing goatees. In its end stage these poor souls might be seen selling their newspapers at events and may even end up on podcasts (god forbid).
Usually in the case of delusional beliefs, it is important for clinicians to be mindful of the possibility that what this person believes might be true. However, I can assure you this is not a concern. This is because I, dear reader, am V.I. Lenin herself.
